My sister was really surprised that I put that "11. The thought of being tied down to a husband and family doesn't sound appealing to me at all" on my last post and ever since then it feels like that's all I've been thinking about. I didn't write that I don't want a husband someday. Because I do. And I didn't write that I don't want kids. Because I do. It's just...I've got so much shit to do and places to see first. In the past month I have learned of so many of my friends' pregnancies and engagements and each time all I keep thinking is that I don't see myself wanting to settle down in any reasonable amount of time.
I finished reading "You Must Be This Happy to Enter" by Elizabeth Crane, which is full of fictional, bizarre and hilarious short stories. For example, one is about Betty the zombie, who goes on a Lifetime reality show to live with other women with "issues" (such as overeating, overspending etc.) so they can tackle their problems together. (I was laughing out loud when Betty shares her sexual experiences and how she feels hurt that her husband doesn't want her as often since she became a zombie. She suspects it this might be caused by a culmination of "little" things like her rotting flesh and sudden desire to eat humans.)
Anyway, I was really surprised by the last story of the book called "Promise", in which the narrator lists all the things she promises to do as a parent for her adoptive child. The review on Amazon says that the narrator lists how she is going to be a perfect parent, but I think this is incredibly inaccurate as the narrator lists both positive and negative results of her parenting. I'm convinced that it isn't fictional at all.
"If you are a girl and you kiss a boy in first grade, I will refer you to your father. If you kiss a boy your senior year of high school and it sucks, I will tell you it gets better later. If you are a boy and you kiss a girl ever, I will first tell you how not to become a jerk down the line and it might be obvious that I've had some issues and then I will refer you to your father. If you are a boy and you want to kiss boys or if you are a girl and you kiss a girl in tenth grade and it rocks your world, I will say Right on, even though you will tell me that people have stopped using that phrase. I will tell you about the birds and the bees with plenty of advanced notice, but I will not involve any birds and bees in this story.
...I will try to stay out of your love life, but I will urge you to practice the safe sex I do not want to hear details about, ever. And if your girlfriend calls you names or your boyfriend hits you, I will kick their fucking asses down the stairs and out the door."
That piece and the fact that I've been folding and organizing donated baby's clothes whenever I get a chance to escape to the attic at the shelter have made it easy for me to brainstorm and daydream about how I would treat my own children.
My kids will be so super-styley. I'll probably dress my children in little sweaters and congratulate myself on my amazing sense of taste even though it's almost impossible to dress toddlers badly since they will look cute no matter what. I will take my kids and their older cousins to the library at least once a month. All of them will probably have brown hair and eyes because that's what all Bomholt kids look like no matter what the in-law's appearance. Yelling indoors will not be tolerated but they will be encouraged to laugh loudly and often. I will answer every question they ask and tell them they should never be embarrassed to ask questions because it's the best way to learn. When they're 11 and they want to know what "blow-job" means they will hopefully feel comfortable enough to ask me about it like I did with my mom. We will spend whole afternoons together carving pumpkins or coloring or dying eggs or making valentines. We will bake and drive around to deliver the goodies to our friends and the local domestic violence shelter. My kids will travel. They will volunteer. They will understand that we're damn lucky to have a roof over our heads and food in our pantry. They will understand concepts like "social equality" from an earlier age than most. Their mom won't do all the stereotypical "women's chores" and their dad won't do all of the stereotypical "man's chores".
Man, I would be a kick-ass mom.
